1. Lonely- Since starting this blog, I have felt less alone but in the beginning when I kept my struggle a secret, I really began to feel alone and like everyone around me was getting pregnant and that no one could relate to me. Sometimes it even feels like your own husband can't really relate to the heartbreak that you feel the moment you find out this round wasn't successful since it's directly impacting your body.
2. Hope- This is one of the biggest ones. You hope for weeks that your body will cooperate and respond to the medicines. You hope that every pill you swallow will even out those hormones and the issues caused by PCOS. Then you hope that your monthly plan goes according to the paper the doctor gave you. Next, you wait and hope that just maybe this time will be it. After each cycle of a fertility treatment or a change in the plan, you just think this has got to be the time it works.
3. Fear- I fear the unknown of where things will be a few weeks from now. With PCOS, I fear having a miscarriage since I am at increase risk. I fear IVF and the next potential painful steps of this process. I fear the uncertainty of a new medicine and the potential reactions I could have such as multiples. Lastly, I fear being unable to have a successful pregnancy since I've never gotten pregnant.
4. Frustration- From every pill you take, to every doctors appointment you go to, from every pregnant women you see, you just wonder when it will be your turn and how much longer you will have to wait.
5. Waiting- You feel like your life is on hold while waiting for the child that you have never met. This journey is all about waiting and trying to be patient. Waiting to respond to medicine, waiting to try again, and waiting for the final result.
6. Nervous- This feeling mostly comes about when waiting for phone calls from the doctor or while waiting for the doctor to come into your appointment. Nervous to hear news that you aren't wanting to hear. It's nerve racking waiting for a call that tells you, yes you are pregnant or no you are not.
7. Confused- Why did this happen to me? I'm so young that it just doesn't feel like something you would be experiencing now this early on in your marriage. You never think during those wedding vows "through sickness and health" that it could potentially be applicable so soon.
8. Sad- Even on great days, there sometimes is still a part of you that feels sad. It feels like a little piece of you that you haven't met yet is missing. And sadness from all the hormones, treatments, and ups and downs that come along with this process.
9. Awkward- Many parts of the treatment process just feel awkward. Testing, stirrups, speculums, catheters, collection rooms, and needles to name a few. There is just something awkward about being at a fertility clinic even with a sweet and friendly staff. It just feels like a place you shouldn't be and an experience you never thought you would be living.
10. Disappointment- That day when you are a few days late and start thinking that the at home pregnancy tests are lying to you. You gain that hope and excitement only to receive confirmation that your optimism was wrong. It almost feels like it does when you get heartbroken after a long relationship. Each time it happens, it doesn't seem to get easier and you almost don't want to accept it.
All of those feelings are what keep me pushing through. I know I can and will get past this but it definitely isn't easy and these are some of the feelings those of us going through treatments experience. I can't wait to make a list of ten feelings I have once I hold my own baby. I already know that list will have some awesome words on it. One day all this heartache and pain will be so worth it when I get to write that list! Let's keep hoping it's soon. :) And since I like ending on positive notes, the last word is excitement. Despite all of this, I am so excited for the day this journey ends, and when we start our family!
This post was inspired by a blog called With Great Expectation written by a girl in her twenties that has PCOS like me.